Trying to Keep It Casual? Here’s How to Navigate the Conversation With Grace
Not looking for anything serious? You’re far from alone.
According to the Pew Research Center, 40% of online dating app users revealed that casual dating was “a major reason” they turned to apps in the past year, while 24% of respondents said casual sex was their main motivator for dating online.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep things casual. But it’s crucial to be upfront about it, especially considering that you’ll likely cross paths with people who are looking for the exact opposite.
Let’s face it: Fumbling through a “define the relationship” talk when you were never planning on having a committed relationship to begin with can feel painfully awkward.
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To avoid unintentionally misleading others and focus on cultivating satisfying casual relationships, here’s how to tell someone you’re not looking for anything serious.
1. Be Upfront and Honest
This may sound obvious, but being upfront and honest is key. However, it’s easy to beat around the bush when you feel really attracted to someone. Wondering how to start the conversation? Ideally, on your dating profile.
“It’s totally fine to ‘not be looking for anything serious right now’ so long as you’re upfront with folks you’re meeting,” says Sarah Chotkowski, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in treating patients in erotically marginalized communities. “If you’re active on dating apps, your profile should include this information; the end of a first date is too late to share this.”
2. Avoid Putting It Off
Let’s say that you met offline or are only reading this now and your profile doesn’t state your preferences.
Avoid putting off the conversation and express your desire to keep things casual as soon as possible. As licensed mental health therapist and relationship trauma expert Tiarra Faulkner puts it, the longer you wait, the more misleading it can be.
Faulkner suggests starting with something like,
“’I’m wanting to be honest about my intentions. I’m interested in you but I’m not looking for anything serious at this time. Are you open to exploring something more casual? If not, I understand.”
3. Stay Kind
Then, wait for your date’s reaction and give them the space to process their feelings and share them. Stay kind.
“Telling someone you’re not looking for something long-term can cause a bit of disappointment,” says Faulkner. “Being kind while telling your truth can help this conversation be more gentle.”
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Being open to hearing their thoughts and feelings even if they differ from your own shows respect and consideration. You don’t need to want the same things to demonstrate empathy.
That said, in the best-case scenario, they want something casual too, and you can focus on enjoying your connection.
4. Don’t Make Assumptions
Making assumptions is a common dating and relationship mistake. Just because you haven’t said anything about commitment doesn’t mean that your date isn’t holding out hope that your relationship will eventually get more serious.
And no, sharing that you just got out of a long-term relationship doesn’t make your intent to keep things casual obvious. When in doubt, just communicate directly.
The same goes for their feelings towards you. Remember that even if you mutually agree to keep things casual, feelings can evolve. It’s important to check in on a regular basis and make sure your arrangement still feels fulfilling to everyone involved.
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5. Define What You Want
You know what you don’t want. But it can also be helpful to define what you do want – there are several flavors of casual dating out there.
“Define what you mean by ‘not serious,’ recommends Chotkowski. “Does this mean you aren’t looking to get married but are open to dating monogamously? Sleeping with multiple people? Dating a few people that you see once a week for low-key dates?”
Talking about what you’re looking for can bring more clarity to your conversations and help you find people who are on the same page.
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“For example,” adds Chotkowski, you might say something like, “‘I just moved to the area and am enjoying meeting new people’ or ‘I’ve been a string of pretty serious relationships for the last few years, I’m trying to figure out what I’m looking for in a partner on my own terms, and am going to date more casually until I figure that out.’”
6. Don’t Blur Lines
If you want to communicate that you’re not looking for anything serious, avoid blurred lines, says Faulkner. Don’t make jokes about naming your future dog if you don’t mean it. Be mindful of your physical expressions of affection too — cuddles may not mean much to you, but could be interpreted as a more emotionally intimate gesture to someone else.
That’s not to say that they don’t belong in a casual relationship, but that over-communicating is key, and that you may confuse your date if you start acting like the two of you are a couple.
Being radically honest can be challenging when you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings or don’t love confrontation. But if you make it a habit and keep the tips above in mind, you’ll elevate both the quality of your conversations — and your love life.
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