Want to Get a Little Dirty With It in Bed? Here’s How to Make It Happen
Sex can be a lot of fun, but good sex almost always requires communication between the people involved.
Before you get comfortable talking about sex, you might be more likely to have what people call “vanilla sex” — sex that doesn’t include any of the more kinky or fetish-oriented moves.
If you’ve been having vanilla sex with someone, you might be wondering — how can I convince them to have sex that’s a little bit… dirtier?
One of the advantages of being in a long-term relationship is the opportunity to share your sexual fantasies with each other and try them out, but you don’t need to be in one in order to get comfortable enough to start having dirty sex together. Here’s what you need to do:
What Is Dirty Sex?
First of all, what people consider “dirty sex” will vary from person to person — there’s no one official description. Second of all, “dirty sex” isn’t actually “dirty” — in that it doesn’t need to involve any substances or fluids that you wouldn’t also experience in more vanilla sex. (Although, if you want to, it can — but it’s far from an obligation.)
So why is it called “dirty sex” then? Primarily, the term exists in the same realm as lots of words people use to describe sex, which is to say, they ascribe negative, judgmental traits to them. For instance, “kinky” means “bent,” “naughty” means “inappropriate” and “nasty” means “disgusting” or “mean.”
For many people, there’s a certain illicit thrill to sex that’s considered “bad,” which is why transgressive acts can seem so erotic.
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In practice, dirty sex typically means sex that includes basic and common fetishes — things like BDSM (bondage, domination and submission, sadism and masochism), different forms of sensation play, dirty talk, role playing, and possibly anal play as well.
How to Tell If Your Partner Is Into Dirty Sex
In order to determine if the person you’re with is open to experimenting with dirty sex, you might start off by testing the waters with a few questions about how they feel about sex. You could try asking things like:
- “What do you fantasize about when you masturbate?
- “Have you ever tied anyone up or been tied up?”
- “Do you own any sex toys?”
- “Do you ever watch porn?”
- “How do you feel about sexting or dirty talk?”
- “What is something you’ve always wanted to try?”
These questions could get your partner to open up and start sharing some intimate details of their sexual personality with you.
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From there, you can open up about your own desires and turn-ons and start discussing what you’d like to do together. If your partner feels uncomfortable with the subject, however, it’s important to respect that.
This brand of sex might be something they come around to at some point in the future, but it also might never be something they want to try, and it’s important not to push anything on them non-consensually.
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Either way, if you’re in a straight relationship, there’s a chance that your partner may be a little more shy about so-called “dirty sex” than you.
Women are just as horny as men, but societal pressure (aka “slut-shaming”) can make them reticent to reveal what they’re into — or make it harder for them to be in touch with their desires in the first place.
If you’re capable of being patient with your partner’s process, you might find out that she’s more of a freak in bed than you would’ve guessed.
Tips for Having Dirty Sex
1. Tell Your Partner About Your Fantasies
If you get the feeling that your partner will be receptive to taking a naughtier turn in your sex life together, take the first step by revealing some of your secret sexy fantasies. Dole out a little at a time and see how she reacts.
Hopefully, your partner will share some of their inner thoughts in return; when they do, make sure you show enthusiasm for their ideas (or at the very least not judgment); if they feel rejected by your response, they might be less likely to want to try your particular brand of dirty sex.
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An important thing to keep in mind when having this sharing session is to keep it in the realm of fantasy. Don’t start telling your partner about the kinds of wild sex you’ve had in the past with other people; there’s a good chance this will make them feel jealous or insecure.
2. Make It an Experiment for Both of You
If you’re more experienced with non-vanilla forms of sex and that feels daunting to your partner, you could try to approach your sexual experimentation like it’s new for both of you. Think of something you’ve never tried before, and suggest that you try it together.
If your partner knows you’re starting out on a level playing field, they may be more likely to let their inhibitions go and get wild with you.
However, on the flip side, your partner may find it more reassuring to try something out with someone who knows what they’re doing. It’ll be a question of figuring out which approach makes them feel most comfortable.
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3. Play a Sex Game
So you’re both open to the idea of getting dirtier in bed together. Now, how do you get started? Talking about it is a lot easier than actually introducing the nastiness into your sex life. A sex game might be just the thing to help you get started.
You could order one online together, or else visit a sex shop and check out the card and board games they have for sale. These are usually aimed at couples that want to add some excitement to their love life, and they should give you some ideas.
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Or, use your imagination and make up your own game together at home. The idea is to get both of you to open up and start trying things out. If all else fails, you can always fall back on the old standard of Truth or Dare.
4. Watch Porn or Read Erotica Together
Get each other in the mood by watching porn stars get it on — or by reading some stimulating erotic fiction.
Even if your partner’s not normally into watching porn, when you’re trying to get dirty with each other, they may be open to incorporating a video or two.
Erotic writing of a less-than-professional caliber can be found all over the internet, but there are also quality sexy stories available from people with actual skill. You can also take a trip to the bookstore together — or buy an ebook of erotica online — and pick out something that looks promising.
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