Make-Up Sex Can Be Great — But You Can’t Force It. Here’s How to Do It Right
As the old adage goes, there’s a fine line between love and hate. In TV and movie scenes, make-up sex usually features some heated argument, followed by an intense sex scene as if the dispute never happened.
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If you’ve never had make-up sex before, the concept might seem off-putting or unrealistic. You and your partner have just had it out, so why would either of you want to go at it after going at it?
And it’s true that make-up sex might not be beneficial after all types of fights in a relationship.
But the people AskMen spoke to for this article, including relationship experts and regular people, agree that there are certain undeniable benefits to having make-up sex with your partner — as long as you go about it the right way.
Here’s everything you need to know about having make-up sex:
Is Make-Up Sex Healthy for a Relationship?
Whether or not make-up sex is healthy for your relationship varies between couples.
However, generally speaking, having make-up sex after arguing over a settled issue helps to recalibrate the relationship and can be powerful for helping both parties move past hurt feelings.
“When couples have conflict, the make-up sex functions to bring them close again, stabilizing their connection,” explains Dr. Jenni Skyler, LMFT, certified sex therapist for AdamEve.com.
You can’t have make-up sex if you haven’t made up. So, if you’re both generally over the issue, make-up sex can get you back on track and recalibrate the relationship.
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“The best make-up sex I’ve had with my partner is when we’ve made up over trivial things,” says Jill, 30. “And it’s especially hot when it’s tied to me being right. One time, my boyfriend and I fought over him, leaving his dirty clothes all over our bedroom. We fought, I showered, and when I returned, the bedroom was cleaned up, and he’d even lit a candle. How could I not want to sleep with him after that?”
When Make-Up Sex Could Be a Bad Idea
Again, make-up sex is best had when you both have truly made up. If not, make-up sex can easily become a method of avoiding the real issues in a relationship — which isn’t fair to either of you.
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“It’s important not to engage in a pattern where the conflict is left unsolved, and sex is the mechanism to brush it under the rug,” says Skyler. “The underlying issue will ultimately grow larger and larger until it’s an immense emotional hurricane, unsolvable by sex.”
If one or both of you are under the influence during this fight, make-up sex is probably not the best idea at the moment.
“If there is conflict in the relationship and you consume alcohol, you may have make-up sex when you do not want to,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.
If you’ve argued about deceitfulness in the relationship, make-up sex is also not your best bet.
“If there is high conflict and resentment, two partners may not even have the desire for sex — which may be due to recent infidelity in the relationship,” says Philips.
Situations where trust was broken in the relationship can require time to heal before sex gets put back on the table.
Tips for Having Hot Make-Up Sex
There’s a reason you often see make-up sex portrayed on screen. When done right, it can be a hot experience that deepens your connection with your partner. Here are a few tips for doing it right.
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Get Clear on Your End Goal
Philips recommends that you and your partner get clear on a few key questions before jumping into make-up sex:
- Do I want this?
- What will the benefit be?
- Will it make things worse when things have already been so bad? Or will it make things better and bring us closer?
Both of you must be on the same page with all of the above before you hop into bed. Make-up sex is meant to help your relationship, not hurt it, and if both parties aren’t on board, it can end up backfiring.
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Give Your Partner Space to Reciprocate
Make-up sex can be tricky. Even if the two of you have talked it out and are on the same page about wanting it, resentment can sneak up just as things are heating up. Hot make-up sex and enthusiastic consent need to go hand in hand here, so check in on your partner throughout and make sure they’re still into it.
Give Up Control
Sometimes, the hottest thing you can do during make-up sex is to give up your power and let your partner dominate. You know your power dynamic best. But allowing your partner to have the upper hand in bed can go a long way during make-up sex.
What Real People Say:
“My favorite make-up sex is when I get to call the shots,” says Nikki, 29. “Forcibly telling my partner where to lay and how I want him to take it makes me feel like what I want matters and helps me take my power back.”
Don’t Skip the Post-Coital Cuddle
Make-up sex isn’t just about the act itself. After you’re both satisfied, make sure you spend time in bed just enjoying each other’s company. A back rub or massage can go a long way, too, if your partner is into it.
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What Real People Say
“No matter how hot the make-up sex is, I think it’s still important to debrief afterward,” says Bri, 26. “For me, make-up sex helps de-escalate the fight and makes it easier for me to talk about what happened and how to avoid fights like that in the future.”
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