Do You Find Yourself Attracted to People of All Genders? You Might Be Pansexual
After centuries of prominence within Western culture, today, heterosexual or “straight” sexuality is no longer understood to be the only appropriate way to be. In recent years, in addition to identifying terms like gay, lesbian and bisexual, another form of sexuality has grown in popularity: pansexuality.
Derived from the Greek prefix “pan-,” meaning “all,” its existence reflects the reality that there are not just two genders — man and woman — but that gender is a spectrum, and it’s possible to feel more comfortable somewhere in between, as a non-binary person might, for instance.
Where some might define a bisexual person as someone with attraction towards both men and women, bisexuality as a whole is now more commonly defined as “attracted to both your own gender and other genders.”
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While this could be inclusive of all kinds of people, pansexuality starts from the position of universal inclusiveness. A pansexual person, thus, is someone who’s attracted to people all along the gender spectrum, whether that’s men, women, or however else one might identify: non-binary, agender, bigender, gender-fluid, genderqueer, or more.
In order to better understand pansexuality, AskMen spoke with a couple of dating experts, as well as two people who identify as pansexual. Here’s what they had to say:
What Is Pansexuality?
According to sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, pansexuality can be defined as an ”orientation where gender is not a determining factor in [a person’s] romantic or sexual attraction towards others.”
“While folks may have people they are more attracted to than others, people who identify as pansexual are open to connections with all genders of people,” she explains. “They are still capable of being monogamous should they so choose, however their pool for potential partners is not limited by their gender.”
While, strictly speaking, the definition of pansexuality and the definition of bisexuality differ, in practical terms, many people who are in fact pansexual identify as bisexual, since it’s a more common term.
“The definition of pansexuality may differ based on who you ask,” adds Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness. “Some people say that pansexuality means potential attraction to all gender identities, but some bi folks say the same given the definition I just offered.”
What Does It Mean to Be Pansexual?
As with any sexuality, it’ll vary greatly from person to person, but because pansexuality isn’t yet a commonly understood concept, people might be less likely to recognize that’s exactly the sexuality that fits them at a young age.
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Instead, they might grow up thinking they’re straight or gay, then slowly progressing to understanding that they’re pansexual. That’s sort of how it worked for Patrick, 27, a pansexual man:
“I had always known something was up, but there really wasn’t much talk or representation of bisexuality (not to mention pansexuality) when I was growing up,” he says. “I finally realized who I was when I first heard the song ‘Michael’ by Franz Ferdinand when I was 14. The singer had also sung about falling for women, and so his description of ‘the boy with all the leather hips, sticky hair, sticky hips, stubble on my sticky lips’ made me realize other people were attracted to multiple genders as well. It wasn’t until a decade later that I finally started to come out to myself, and a couple more years until I did so to anyone else.”
Patrick notes that his coming out process started by describing himself as bisexual, but that admittedly “didn’t feel quite right.”
“It wasn’t until I started hanging out with more queer folks that I found out about the term, and then it just felt right,” he adds. “Now I mainly use ‘queer’ or ‘gay’ to describe myself, but specifically speaking, I’m very much pan.”
For Eric, 32, a pansexual non-binary person, there wasn’t necessarily an aha! moment either:
“I was raised male, and I’ve always been deeply attracted to women and people who express more feminine characteristics,” they say. “When I was a teen, though, many of my crushes were a bit more androgynous, and I didn’t really feel like I had a ‘type’ when it came to women — my attractions were all over the spectrum. In my late teens, I started recognizing that I was also attracted to men, primarily more effeminate men, but on occasion more typically macho or rugged guys. And over time I’ve just come to realize that I’m really not interested in people’s bodies or the genders they identify with as such, but rather how they move through the world.”
Though Eric feels that the term pansexual is a little bit dorky, for Patrick, being pansexual “feels fantastic.”
“It also feels very much tied to identity and community,” notes Patrick. “In terms of attraction, it’s as simple as being interested in folks, without gender really playing a role. Pretty straightforward, really.”
Like other sexualities, your desires and who you actually date and sleep with won’t always match up. That’s the case for Eric, who bemoans that you wouldn’t outright brand them as a pansexual based off their dating track record.
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“I definitely feel like a fraud sometimes as a pansexual because my relationship history is not as diverse as my attractions,” they say. “Part of that is that when you’re socialized as male and socialized to pursue relationships with feminine-presenting cis women, and those women are socialized to pursue relationships with masc-presenting people, it’s easier to find and fall into those relationships than it is queer ones.”
“But at the same time,” they add, “queerness isn’t about passing some test, and pansexuality falls under that rubric.”
Ultimately, pansexuality, like any kind of sexuality, is about the desires you naturally experience, not about what you do with them. Hopefully, we’re moving towards a society where everyone’s sex lives and love lives are as diverse and exciting as their fantasies.
How to Support Members of the Pansexual Community
While anyone can show support for pansexual people in their day-to-day lives, it’s more about proper education.
“Besides all the regular ways you can support queer folks you are close to, one simple thing that can be helpful is to talk to your wider circle about pansexuality and what it means,” says Patrick. “It’ll save us having to explain the term to confused friends of friends and uncles. Those conversations get old, fast.”
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Eric, meanwhile, argues for a similar approach that’s rooted in unlearning things rather than outright education.
“One thing that I think is really useful is working on de-gendering your expectations of sex and romance,” they explained. “Even if the person you’re talking to isn’t pansexual, or you don’t know what their orientation is, are you asking them, ‘So what was he like?’ or ‘So what was she like?’ when they tell you about a date from last night? Or are you saying ‘So what were they like?’ and letting them fill you in on the person’s gender?”
They go on, saying, “Little things like not having to correct people about who it is you’re attracted to, dating, or in a relationship with is something cis-het people take for granted. It would be like asking a stereotypically macho straight football quarterback-type guy when he’s going to settle down and find a boyfriend — it’s just jarring and you feel it erasing a part of you from the conversation before you can even respond.”
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Further Resources on Pansexuality
Partially due to the conceptual overlap between bisexuality and pansexuality, and partially due to its relative newness to the sexual orientation discourse, there aren’t a ton of resources devoted specifically to pansexuality. Often, resources zero in on being gay, being queer or being bi rather than being pan.
However, as it’s become something more people are aware of in recent years, it’s gained some traction via coverage in articles like these ones from Health.com, Stonewall.org.uk and Teen Vogue.
Additionally, if you recognize that pansexuality is simply about your attractions not lining up with rigid ideas of gender, then it’s possible to learn more about pansexuality in part by simply learning more about gender.
“I would suggest learning about gender and what it means to folks more broadly, from something like the podcast Gender Reveal or Judith Roof’s book What Gender Is, What Gender Does,” suggests Patrick. “Or do what I do — just marry someone who’s read that book and listened to every episode of that podcast, and claim you have, too!”
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